Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
