we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
