well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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