I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
