One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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