I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize