I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
