i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
