Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
