Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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