In America we eat man semen.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I would ride that face into the sunset
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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