Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
