He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
