Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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