when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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