just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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