Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
