Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
