after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
