I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
