So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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