im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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