I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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