life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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