i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
