Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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