i just google imaged poop.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
