so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
