I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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