I hate your face
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
