Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
