I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
