She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize