If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
