So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
