Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
