just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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