no, he came in my armpit
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
