I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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