I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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