Who wears a wallet chain?!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
