You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
