I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize