dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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