There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize