im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
