I just threw up on my dentist
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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