I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
