Yo dont text me then not text me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
