Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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