i permit you to call me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
