Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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