On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This house was built for laser tag.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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