Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
