U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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