Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
