I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize