my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
