So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
