How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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