is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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