she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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