you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
