for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
