im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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