I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
