I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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