Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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