I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
